nightmare

When people realize that they have to go through a nightmare, they tend to take some rest before facing their night monster. Same was my plan. On the night before the hunt, when I was supposed to go to Vizag (hot and humid). I was all alone in the wing, stories of ghosts in the 7th wing were trying to haunt me but I was busy in something, also because of that I avoided supernatural at night. I was talking to this 14 year old English girl filled with loads of attitude and rudeness everything that you hate. But still we were talking and she was a little more than just a friend ….............virtually ;) she is strange a lot of times, I asked her if I could add her friends and then we can be like a whole group of friends. She flatly refused and threatened to kill me if I do that. But I kept pushing her for two days and she was like a rude rock not moved even a little. She had a fear in her head and I must say I also had a little idea about it but I never actually cared much. Yeah you know girls care and she cared a lot. Just like a winter shower she said I could add her favorite friend and she is going out for some time. I added her friend and talked to her everything from the smallest thing to the largest thing a guy can dream of. She felt just normal and we were doing it fine but I felt she was getting bored as I was feeling.
So I started talking about the stuff every guy love and girls to love it they accept it or not but they do. She felt happy and to add to her self-praised hump I also boasted her. Though some of that was even true for real. Then after sometime she went and I was done with her. By this time another guy had arrived to help me pass through the 'kill' night. I went to him and ate a lot of his 'stuff' and even went out with him at 12 in the night to have a drink but to my bad luck couldn't get any. When I came back and logged on to my account my real girl was waiting for me with her lions burning to kill me. Even before I could I say anything she said me to 'fuck off'. She just acted the way my wife would have acted. She was so mad at me almost firing at me with the sentences that I said while talking to her friend, which must not be known to her. I had told her friend not to tell those things like”you are so sexy....bla bla....don't tell her that I said this to you....she might feel bad” because she never wanted me to add her friend which I already did. I even talked to her out of the general way. All the time when I was talking (bitching) to her friend she was sitting just besides her and they both were reading it together. I shouldn't say but actually they must have been mocking at me all the time. Too good just a small arrogant girl got the worst out of me. She was freaking angry over me. She said she was so close to delete me but she didn't. She always says and wants to prove that she is rude and tough as a rock but to me she looks like a soft coconut from inside. I had never been sweet or too good to her though I say that all the time to her. Even the 1st day when we started talking we talked about sex. I tried a lot to convince her but she was not listening to me at all. When she was done what she had to say she even stopped replying to me. Deep down inside me I had hope that I might get something out of her. As her replies died the hope inside me was also settling in the ocean but I kept trying all the nice things. I had just one hope even when I was flirting with her friend I had always said how I feel about her and what all I had thought about our future. I kept saying but no replies came. After a long time I said she was being rude because of not replying to me. She bumped up again and told me who was actually rude she or me? An hour or so passed like this without discussion cum my repenting and her ignoring. Deep down inside me were rising. When I said not to be mad at me she told me to get used to it because she is gonna be mad at me a lot of times, means we were not done yet ….:) once she said she will die if I die. After another hour of my battle with her ignorance took the night to the rays of the morning sun. by the time at least she had not given on me. I have to gain her trust now, I can’t take it for granted that made me a little happy, by this morning hour two of my false drink mates had joined me. All they knew was that I didn't slept the whole night before I was supposed to leave for the kill and all the time I was just talking to this girl. They saw me chatting and like any other guy asked me for her picture. I showed them the picture and though I never thought that she was beautiful but one of my friend thought she was sweet and I don't know from where and why but I suddenly saw that, she was a bit cute and beautiful as well. Good for me anyways I kept myself on the same line. It was morning here and getting really dark there. She had never slept past 10 and it was 2am now there. She asked me for my permission to leave. Why would she do it? May be there was still something there for me left in her heart. I had spent the whole sleepless night, now the night monster was taking on me as well. She didn't went without my permission, well good for me anyways. She was dying to sleep. She said will I let her go if she was still friends with me but I didn't. She was getting sleepy and frustrated. At last she said what I wanted to hear and finally my effort for the night paid off. I was happy to leave now with a beautiful thought in my head. I don't know why but I really felt good. My god let me have the same feel forever.

BODYBUILDING

Ah! Oh! Aah! Uuuuhhh! Don’t think I am about to come. While groaning in pain I was just thinking why I did that. The pain is going to burst my ass out and I will still make it worse for myself. This pain that I am going through is just like being fucked in the asshole.
This is for you phages, you nerds think that you only have the brains and the rest of the guys doing any other stuff are just a piece of junk. Here I am talking about bodybuilding. People think that the guys who don’t have the grey matter are intruded to it. As if the entire quota of grey matter was a gift to them only. I want to challenge you little creeps if you can’t even spare just half an hour to build your own temple how could you do anything for anyone ever.
It’s been said by one of the best ever(Arnold) that there is a pain barrier in bodybuilding and only a winner can cross it, it determines if you will become a winner or remain just a common man. It’s like you are dying out of pain and still you love it and raise the level of pain. It is just like sex. Think about the situation of a girl in sex the much more pain you can cause to her she loves it more. The more pain you can cause the more you can satisfy her. This may not be your cup of tea.
It’s when the pain takes over you and you feel as if you are about to die but still you can’t stop you have to go on and on. It’s like if you can fuck yourself than you can do it. If you are thinking that I fuck myself than yup you are bang on target. I am really good at fucking myself. It requires a great amount of your brain strength and self motivation. Same is with me the more weight I use in my workouts the more pain It causes and the more I love it. It is same kind of a feeling as if I want to come. Blood rushing through your veins, adrenaline being pumped into it and you are in a holy dip of your own sweat. It feels real good. That means I can come anytime I want as many times as I want.
Think the other way. What if you don’t see the results? That is what happens with most of the people. You won’t see the results that easy. At times I think what am I doing? Why am I doing this? I can’t become a professional, not even a modal but I have to keep doing it again and again and again. Without any reason. It’s all controlled from your head the adrenaline pumped in your blood makes the pain worth it.

FREE TIME

Have you ever thought, what is free time? what happens to our free time? and what can be done with that?
I pray i was a "sadhu" a guy having full controls over my desires. Which most of the times are evil. for others sure but not always good enough for me. That empty time just raises all your deep devils and in the darkness of the night when light itself is feared to live we here keep trying to fight in the devils inside us. The night when we concur ourselves must be the greatest night but not for long. Its not difficult to win but it if difficult to win over ourselves time and again.
I have also tried to win over myself a lot! sorry a few times but (these buts have started creating pains in my butts) i succeeded just for a short time. To kill the wild devil inside you the prime step might be to kill the free time that we have and which doesn't allow us to remain free.

industrial trip

It was our first industrial trip cum a merry making trip. We are mineral engineering students who were taken to a mechanical engineering workshop as if we were to send to alien world where we were supposed to see how things for our world were made by them.
The whole mockery was started by our department only. They were so much confident of our laziness that they gave us the time two hours prior to what we were supposed to leave. Though they were stunned in their bed when we phoned them to tell that “we had reached the spot”. It doesn’t get over still though our bus was a fairly bigger one but the sitting space was shrieked. It made us realize that how we must have felt inside our mom waiting to be born. We were automatically divided in two groups. People on the front part had me and the rear part had happy guys who were playing cards and shouting comments without giving any pity to the teacher, they even smoked in the bus. I played losers game, better not to discuss. We finally reached the company through a locality crying loud for a complete facelift. The company guys gave us a warm welcome more than we expected. We realized how happy our parents must be the day we came out of our mom. The company looked a lot bigger than we were expecting, may be they made it look bigger to us. We gave a looks to how those big mills, crusher and classifiers were made. Our teacher looked like a small kid taking like a million seconds on every nail present over there. Well later he was confirmed a kid when he jumped to know that the company guys had arranged lunch for us. In the mean time guys were busy with their mean things and nerds were busy you know why and were? I kept myself away from all those photography sessions and gathering stuff as I am always from such things. After that we took our bus to more sort of a trip and we went to a dam which was not a part of our schedule but because of our department we made it possible. Again I kept my self away from much gathering .again our teacher made us realize that he is not pretending like a kid, he really is a kid. More or more it was a fine trip and yeah just a trip.
But it made me to realize that I like to live alone, and again the “ghost” from pushpendra past took over me. Whatever people may think of me “chutiya” or a looser whatever I don’t care I am what I am. I don’t want anyone to with me in that “chutiyapa” or whatever I don’t care for anyone and I don’t want anyone to care for me.

LOVELY HANGOVER

Well I don’t know why I am writing this? But inside of me feels real good about it. Well I am going to talk about my first classic hangover. Yeah I don’t know how many more are goanna come, but certainly a lot of them for sure.
Though I was never into poly, it’s not a name of a girl I am talking about college politics. We guys were giving fresher welcome to our juniors and I don’t know the money that I paid dragged me there or may b it was my frustration or liquor may b for sure. But I just want to make it clear that I am not really into poly I did went to the party organized by the other group and even danced there as well where people from that group were not even dancing yeah it felt like being complete. Though if I have to talk about my party it all started with seniors making fun of all their juniors in all possible ways, it was a little different that u can see all those bookish seniors with having puffs and making nitrogen feel pity about its presence in the atmosphere as it was easily taken over by smoke. All the seniors were roaring like loins without even caring of how lame they sound, in front of their juniors who were dressed like lambs with their coats on and buttons tied up to the neck making them just perfect to be executed by the butchers. Though it was a kind of fun when juniors were giving their introduction by standing on the centre table and we were putting all kind of weird ideas that were really not censored. Say for instance……….
1. They were supposed to add sentences like “muth marte-marte mera topa khul gaya” after every sentence in their intro.
2. Like” mujhe roz raat ko chul uthti hai”.
3. “Me yahan pe gulabi chute lene aya hun”.
4. “Mujhe kutiya chodne me jada maja ata hai”.
5. “mere gand me keedey hain”.
Well if you are crazy enough like me then you must have got the standard of the condition of ours. And just then it started, yep my first drink. I had the first one with vodka and cold drink and took it real slow and tried to enjoy it. Then I took a stronger one with two pegs at once and ragged a junior who had a hobby of chatting on omegle and gave him tips of chatting. While In between things like more and more drinking continued and I had like 12 pegs like that till the bar was closed for some time. I kind of danced with friends erratically and did all kinds of weird stuff. I just enjoyed with friends. Then again the bar opened and now things were all different. I can’t remember then how many more I had but I am sure of one thing that they were neat. Then I was just dancing telling people about my frustration. Suddenly I don’t know exactly when I fell down it felt like heaven fell on my head. That was the last thing that I remembered of that night. The next thing that I can remember was I was lying on bare floor of a room of a hostel that I can’t remember, all my clothes were sore. I had puked on them and I was practically lying in the ruble that came out of my own mouth. I collected myself, removed my sweater because it was not in a state that most of the people would have liked to see it. My head was banging and I had a hard time managing my movements and not to say I missed all my classes for that day. I still remember I had a disposable glass in my back pocket that I used for my drinks, I had saved it for more drinks in that night, but I didn’t remember when I fell. Again I slept for like 4-5 hours to clear my head. Later I learned from my friends that I really had fun that night. I did pole dance, kept puking on myself; it really feels good that I did all the right things. I showed concerns for my seniors not being not placed well, I abused girls in general. These are the real things that I really care about. I thanked my seniors for giving such a nice party and asked for their forgiveness for what I did. Anyways it feels great, I can’t remember anything much about it but I know it was worth not knowing it. I want to write a lot about it but I guess I don’t want to make it a huge text but I wish if I could, well I’ll do that in my diary.

About Me

Don’t read about me I don’t deserve it. I don’t know how I reached here? I did gave the exam where you have to perform in just 3hrs. I don’t have a right to be here. Where I am dumped with 400 geniuses all superior than me and I am forced to win a rat race from them.
I live in past, my memories always keep reminding me the things I had done in the past and all their evil effects. I was good at studies but college took all the confidence from me. People go for departmental positions, act, dance, sing, talk, look beautiful, have girlfriends, drink, enjoy games but I don’t…………… I can’t, even if I try it projects me as a looser and I agree ‘I am a looser’.
I am not cool, and now I had even left hope of ever being. I am just a scrued up joker. I don’t know why I have faith on god has he ever done good for me………..shit why do I think so much why can’t I be real (always have crap scratching my mind). Night outs are a common stuff. Why can’t I get along with any one? No one fucking cares for me and now I had stopped thinking about it. I can’t laugh I don’t deserve it. Future!!! Can anything happen to me. I hate toppers why are they so good at everything, I don’t have any talent. My standards for girls have fallen drastically or may be the other way I know I can’t ever get anyone so I had stopped bothering about me or hell I won’t get one if I try as well.
Why do I chat to unknown complete strangers who don’t even fucking cares about me or not even know me? Staying up night just to talk with someone you don’t know. What I don’t have …………..or I don’t have anything. To me all look the same, I am a crap. why do I take so much care for the people I don’t know and fuck them…..wait they fuck me who knows me. My parents, their relatives whom I don’t even know have so many expectations from me. What if I don’t achieve it, they think I’ll earn in dollars ……….will I even earn anything ever.
Why I always think that people are avoiding me…….or they are actually avoiding me, making a fool of myself. Kind of playing with me as if I don’t have anything to think from as if I blindly trust them. Actually I do trust them even after knowing that they are playing with me. Why I look desperate for everything. People stay online but just avoid me by saying that they are not as they know what a looser I am. Why is everyone so happy other than me? Am I such a big messed up crap? That nothing can ever make me laugh. Why there is so competition? Why can’t I have a girlfriend?
Nothing is ever going to change me, I’ll remain an asshole. Nothing can change me. No one will be affected by my survival or………..do I even have a right to live? Should a person like me be allowed to talk to people always make a fool of me? Any ways they aviod me. I had already thought the best way to leave…………. I avoid parties, meeting people as I know they won’t even like me. Am I such a big dickhead that no one will ever like me? I always have to force myself on others, is that my fate?
No one should ever talk to me; I don’t deserve to live here along with these people. I should be thrown out of the society in some dark deserted corner for the rest of my life.

chit chat on FB

DISCLAIMER: If you are a girl you shouldn’t read this but if you are a boy and that to a desperate one you must read this.
Wait!!!!! It’s not goanna end your depression but just let know what this depression can bring out of you if you use it as a sword rather than a folly.
Well in most of the cases the reason of frustration is of course is …………………….you all knows.
I was never into this fb(facebook) stuff it’s amazing applications ah! They are beyond my horizon. But I don’t know why? Probably as I told you the depression or as my friends call it frustration made me do it. While checking my home page filled with what my friends like. Soon one of those adds caught me, yes u guessed it right “chat with……….”,”make friends…………” and all as one of my friends liked it as they do on fb.
Well using that utility I made friends with at least 10 girls using that utility without even knowing them. Huh! What don’t think I am goanna tell you what made that possible, it’s a riddle not by tom riddle though its not by tom riddle that you have to solve.
Now it was like an egg that was to be hatched by me. Huh! Dude trust me I am not a hen, I had a hard time behaving like one. None of the girls asked me anything from me except one. I soon started heating that egg. Though she was an American chick and rest can’t be left behind as soon a Spanish chick also joined me the chat.
The Spanish was a little cold as I wasn’t able to hot her because she didn’t knew much English and don’t ask about that American chick she was ‘miss don’t care’ she had loads of attitude and I had a tough time talking to that hard ass, but any how I managed to chat with three girls together.hey! Hey!!!!!!!!!! Don’t freak out, third one who asked about me before adding me.
So basically I tried on three chicks out of which the third one was finally hatched, she was also an American chick dude. I talked to her from 2am to 6am note the time dude. I don’t want to add personal details as she might also read this but her recent picks shows that she is one of the most beautiful chicks I had ever seen.
Don’t jump the bad part is about to commence so basically I slept at 6:30am and woke up at 8am, missed my meal to ran a mile for my class……………wait the worst part is yet to arrive. Though I was jumping in joybut my head had lost its control and I felt like being 10 vodka bottles down and the worst part is I had all the classes that day which used to be half off on normal days. I was sitting on the second bench………..wait trying to keep sitting by making my eyes the hardest pressure that could even had thrown my eyeballs out when the prof asked me to go and wash my face. Don’t worry the effect of ten vodka bottles can’t be just washed by few drops of water. I was still juggling with the state of sleep and the blackboard that reminds me of the night and said to sleep. Nothing strange the prof again asked me to fuck off. Believe me stop having beer and vodka just try not to sleep after a night out in a serious profs boring class. This time I took the extreme step and fucked the class and came to the hostel and went on dreaming and again missed the lunch.